Friday, February 09, 2007

Deja Vu

Brianna Elijah Zane

Seven years ago next month, my world was shattered. DSS arrived at my house unannounced. They explained to me that the three foster children we had would be moved from our care on March 15.

I do not remember seeing it coming. If I did, I did not recognize it for what it was. My husband who was in the service had been transferred out of state. I had stayed in our home awaiting the final approval for all of our family to move to be with my husband. We had had one of these siblings for over three years and the other two siblings we had had over a year. These children were all going to be up for adoption soon. There was a no reconciliation plan for all of them. No parental visits had taken place in years. Nothing but the adoption to begin. Our worker had assured us it would be approved.

Our petition was denied. They decided to try for reunification with their biological family. The children would be moving to live with a foster family whom we knew and liked. I knew the children would be loved and cared for, but it was not ok. They were my children. We were suppose to be forever!

On March 15, we took the children to live with their new family. The kids did not understand at that moment that it was forever. They had known this family and come to love them. It was more like a visit for them.

Saying goodbye that night was devastating. I do not remember how we got home that night or what the next few days were like. Leaving that home and driving north felt like my heart was being pulled in two directions. My heart desired to be with my husband who had returned to our new home and the other to my children whom I had left forever.

These children are still in my heart. I will always consider Elijah, Brianna and Zane to be my children. My heart can see them no other way. Zane, whom we had for over three years, was one of the most amazing "through the fire" stories that can ever be told. Elijah had an honest heart. Brianna was the external sign of all the internal abuse that they had endured in their short lives. I love them all so much!

Zane was a sweet blessing from God. You see Zane was born on February 21, 1996. On February 20, 1996 I had lost my child. Zane reminded me that God closes one door and opens another. Zane was a sweet balm that soothed my wounded soul. I need Zane as much as he needed me.

So, as you can see, my heart is a little sensitive about the dates February 20, 21 and March 15. It is filled with joy on one hand and much sadness on the other.
On March 15, 2007, we will be back in court. This is the day that we will find out if our girls will be staying with us or going to live in Florida. I have tried not to acknowledge that the days are the same or that it could be deja vu. It is not a superstition but just a memory of something that forever changed my life.
It reminds me of the song by Casting Crowns, Praise You in This Storm.
And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
Today God, I will praise you in this storm. The waves are crashing all around me, but I will not be swallowed up. I will lift my hands in praise to the God who made the waves. Lift me up! Let me see your face...let me know that you have not forgotten my family. As Hazel says so often, "I NEED MY GOD!" I need my family and they need me! Please do not allow a judge to separate us. I will trust you to keep us safe. I love you, God! Bless and protect Elijah, Brianna and Zane as only you can. Heal their hearts, Lord. They have suffered so much. May their lives be a witness of the greatness of their God!

1 comment:

Deb said...

Oh my friend Susan! I remember that time like it was yesterday. I remember your pain and I felt it in my heart. I too was so sad to see you lose those three precious children, especially Zane, who had become so precious to me. But I especially remember how my heart was breaking to see you so broken. But through this storm, I saw you turn to God and YOUR faith helped strengthen me. And it was remembering this time you went through that helped me through some difficult times in my life. God is there for us always and turning to Him and running into His arms is what we ALWAYS need to do. Just remember that Zane, Elijah and Brianna are in God's hands. You also are in God's hands and so are Hazel and Emily. And I pray God will bless your life with the permanent addition of these two very precious little girls. I love you my friend!!