, I saw inmyself the controlling person I do not want to be. My mind has wanted to manipulate things to be how I feel they should be with little or no thought as to God's will.
You see Hazel is going to school in August. She is excited. Daily she talks about her new school, new friends and learning to read. Even people we pass in the store know that this precious little girl is going to school.
This is not a joy that I have shared with her. The thought of her going and spending and entire day with a group of people I do not know strikes fear and desperation deep within my heart. She is so young, naive, tenderhearted, and wounded. Trusting her to someone else...allowing them to lead her in her daily walk...have mercy, Lord! I do not think I can stand it! Someone else will be spending more time with her than I will.
Then there is the ever growing fear that plagues my mind to its core. What if they are mean to her? Little girls, children really, can be so catty and unkind. She has been hurt enough for at least three lifetimes. Can her heart bear anymore?
Lord, how do I step back and trust that you are walking with her? You know each step that she will take, and how each trial will bring glory to Your name. How do I walk with her and guide her, and, yet, not control? How will my heart not shrivel and die or become enraged when someone speaks or acts unkind to her? She is so fragile emotionally. Hazel brings out my extreme emotions, Lord. She is brightest of joy, the loudest of laughter, and darkest valley. Will I trust You with with her heart and mine?
Look on Hazel with favor as she goes off to school. Guard her heart and mind against those things which are not pure or those things which would cause her pain. Give her courage to try new things. Burn in her heart the desire to be more like You and less like me.
Thank you, God, for the gift of Hazel. She is so precious, and I adore her. There is nothing in my life that is deserving to be called her mother, but through your mercy you made it so. You have, are and will heal so many hurts in her.
Help me trust You one day at a time. I love you, Father!
3 comments:
Children are resilient. There will be bumps along the road as she goes out into the world, but those bumps will help mold and shape her. They will limit her only if she allows them to. Its a road we all must travel. She will be fine if you allow her to. It's hard to let go.
Oh friend, have I been where you are! I guarantee the tears will flow for you on that first day if you're anything like me. Find consolation in the fact that God loves her more than you do and that she is in His capable hands. Praying for you and your little one.
BTW, found your blog on Faithlifts. I'm at www.asonflower.blogspot.com Take care!
Okay. This brought tears to my eyes. I remember these emotions all too well. Gulp... and summer is almost over again. It is hard letting go and letting God. But He somehow gets us through it and we learn to trust Him a little more each time.
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