Things Pondered

New Blog

2012-01-23T20:38:00.002-05:00

I am now blogging at The Road Less Traveled. Stop by and visit!

Giveaway!

2010-06-02T13:07:00.002-04:00

Stop by Raising Homemakers . They are giving away Homestead Blessings 10 DVD set! You will love the West ladies.

But the biggest surprise came...

2010-02-27T09:52:00.003-05:00

In November of 2007, we received a phone call from social services in a neighboring county. They asked if we would be willing to foster the newborn brother of our girls. At first, my answer was no. Emphatically no! I did not want to have that much involvement with the birth family again. After a few minutes, I realized that this may be the only time that they would have to know each other. So, after talking with my husband, we accepted this new little one.

The next afternoon I arrived at the hospital to pick up this new little one. I was not prepared for what I found. There lay a tiny little one with the sweetest head of white hair. He weighed 5 lbs and 12 ounces and only 18 inces long. And they trusted me to take him home and care for him. I was truly afraid of loosing him. He was so small.

We took him home and were blessed to adopt him 8 months later. Adam is more than I ever imagined. I still look at him and ask God "Who am I?" and wonder how the God of all creations would allow me to be the mother to this little boy. I am so thankful for Adam. He has added all things little boy to our world. Wrestling, ball, bugs and all things rough and exciting are things he enjoys. His sisters are not always sure what to do with him when he tackles them, but they are also thrilled to be able to care for him and be with him.

Thank you, God, for this gift that we call our son. Thank you that he is full of life and laughter. And it makes me smile when I see how much he looks like my husband.

Where I have been....

2009-11-30T16:09:00.004-05:00

These past two years have been filled with some of the most blessed moments I have ever experienced in my life. I am not even sure where to begin.

God blessed us with the adoption of Hazel and Emilly last November. When I last posted, we had been so afraid of loosing them to a family member in FL. God in His perfect timing worked out each detail and allowed them to become ours.

Walking By Faith

2007-08-13T09:46:00.000-04:00

In early September, I will begin teaching a women's Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild called Walking By Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark. It is exciting to be able to walk with my sisters in Christ through studies like this. God reveals so many things to each of us in our own personal language. While the revelation may be the similar, the application to each person is always unique. What a joy to see God in a different light! He is so much more than I can or ever will imagine.

This past week has been one trial after another. I expected it. When teaching on faith, Satan will surely do all he can to lessen the efficacy of the message. This time of testing has hit one of the most tender places in my heart...it involves my children.

We found out that there is a chance for the girls to be given to a relative. Our court hearing this month will be a fight to keep these precious girls from going to an unsafe place. We like all the other members of our team believed their was no possible way for this to happen, but it has. Fear is a constant companion, but I am trying to continually lay it down at the feet of God.

Please pray for and with us. We are desperate for God to intercede on the behalf of these girls. Their safety is in danger. God is our hope and answer.

Abba, Father, I know that you are not surprised or shaken by the news we received. You knew before the creation of the world what would happen to these children. Forgive my unbelief. Help me to believe, to rest in You, to lay it all down and let You work as only You can. God, I am scared for Hazel and Emilly and our family.

Lord, let truth be revealed in every situation regarding these children and each family member. Open the judges eyes and mind! Give him wisdom and understanding to make the best decision for these children. For each therapist, GAL, social worker, biological family member and anyone else who will sit on that stand, let only complete truth pour out of their mouths. Give the attornies the questions that will shine a light on the dangers of this placement. For each piece of information that has been or will be entered regarding the safety and wellbeing of these children, let it jump off the page! Let not one piece of evidence be overlooked. Thank you, God, for loving Hazel and Emilly more than I do. I love you!

Monk & Neagle

2007-07-19T13:26:00.000-04:00

Check out this video by Monk & Neagle. Their album will be out in September. I am crazy about The Twenty-First Time and Hallelujah Jesus.

Letting Go And Letting God

2007-06-08T10:06:00.000-04:00

This morning as I read a post by Sarah, I saw in
myself the controlling person I do not want to be. My mind has wanted to manipulate things to be how I feel they should be with little or no thought as to God's will.

You see Hazel is going to school in August. She is excited. Daily she talks about her new school, new friends and learning to read. Even people we pass in the store know that this precious little girl is going to school.

This is not a joy that I have shared with her. The thought of her going and spending and entire day with a group of people I do not know strikes fear and desperation deep within my heart. She is so young, naive, tenderhearted, and wounded. Trusting her to someone else...allowing them to lead her in her daily walk...have mercy, Lord! I do not think I can stand it! Someone else will be spending more time with her than I will.

Then there is the ever growing fear that plagues my mind to its core. What if they are mean to her? Little girls, children really, can be so catty and unkind. She has been hurt enough for at least three lifetimes. Can her heart bear anymore?

Lord, how do I step back and trust that you are walking with her? You know each step that she will take, and how each trial will bring glory to Your name. How do I walk with her and guide her, and, yet, not control? How will my heart not shrivel and die or become enraged when someone speaks or acts unkind to her? She is so fragile emotionally. Hazel brings out my extreme emotions, Lord. She is brightest of joy, the loudest of laughter, and darkest valley. Will I trust You with with her heart and mine?

Look on Hazel with favor as she goes off to school. Guard her heart and mind against those things which are not pure or those things which would cause her pain. Give her courage to try new things. Burn in her heart the desire to be more like You and less like me.

Thank you, God, for the gift of Hazel. She is so precious, and I adore her. There is nothing in my life that is deserving to be called her mother, but through your mercy you made it so. You have, are and will heal so many hurts in her.

Help me trust You one day at a time. I love you, Father!

2007-05-03T08:03:00.000-04:00

Today is the National Day of Prayer. A day to intercede on behalf of our country, government, church and anything else that God should lay on your heart.

My prayers will also be for Heather and her family. Heather is a wife and mother. She is an outstanding woman of faith. Several weeks ago she was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. Today she is at the Mayo clinic. Heather will be having surgery to remove this tumor. There are so many risk in this surgery, but there is so much to be gained if it is successful. Please keep her in your prayers today. This next week will be difficult. Pray also for her husband, Mark, and her children, Elijah, Easton and Emma Grace.

I Thought I Had Heard It All

2007-04-24T14:15:00.000-04:00

Potty training with Emilly has not proven to be one of my finer moments. She can leave me completely frustrated as we get so close only to have a string of accidents. It seems that we have been working on this forever!

This past month has proven much better than oh say...the last 5 in the potty training department. We have even gone so far as to wear panties to bed with no accidents! Emilly has also been able to go to the bathroom without needing help. YEAH!

Today she went to potty and came back and proceeded to tell me that the stuff in her panties was not poop but chocolate. Every red flag in my head that was available went up . After investigating the situation a little closer, I discovered that it was indeed poop and not chocolate. Emilly claims that she pooped in the potty. I have scoured the house in search of any escapees, but, alas, have found none. My praise must be this, I even checked her mouth (she did call it chocolate) and there was no evidence found there either!

A Smiling Tree Frog

2007-04-10T21:31:00.000-04:00

(Luna in our rhodendron in the summer of 2005)

Today was one of those days I would have rather slept through. Most people will not even begin to understand what the deal is, but to me it was a big deal. It was a loss that I was not prepared for.

When I woke this morning, I realized that my frog, Luna, was not well. She had not been herself in a few days, but today I knew that something needed to be done to relieve her suffering. There is so little that can be done medically to treat a frog. So, when they are ill there is only one choice.

It was not a moment I would want to do over again. It is better left in the past. Luna is peacefully resting now. Jazz, her companion, for the past 7 years is now alone. Our home is minus one smiling frog. But our lives have been enriched through having a little frog named Luna.

On A Lighter Note

2007-04-05T09:32:00.000-04:00

Emilly is our youngest at two. The older she gets the funnier she gets. A year ago she was the most serious person you would have ever met. Today...well, it is difficult to get her to be serious even for a moment.

Last night as I was getting the girls ready for bed, I told Emilly to straighten up her room. She immediately burst into tears. "I don't want to!" she exclaimed. I simply explained to her that wanting to was not required. She needed to get it done or she would have a consequence. Let's just say that she ended up with a consequence. When she had finished her consequence she came back to her room to clean, and she looked up at me with those huge gray eyes. And then spoke as evenly as if she had rehearsed it and said, "I'm still not happy."

I about fell over trying not to laugh. She is just so funny. Sometimes I am sure she knows it and other times I don't think she has a clue. Life is going to be filled with lots of funny moments with this child around.

Times of Resfreshing

2007-04-03T14:04:00.000-04:00

To say that I am driven would be an understatement. Stopping is not something I allow myself to do often. These past few months had taken their toll on my over all well being. Calling me cranky, punchy and unlovely would have been too kind most days. Life had worn me down, and I had swung wide the door to allow it to happen.

This past Friday I was suppose to go to the Women of Joy conference in Gatlinburg, TN. The only problem was that I was sick. Wednesday I came down with some crazy bug. By Friday my temperature was near normal, but I was exhausted. I could not stay out of the bed. There was just no way I felt that I could possibly drive that far and sit for all those hours. But leave it to God to inspire me through the children. They were obnoxious! So, I managed to get my stuff together and set out to pick up my friend Debbie.

Needless to say, we made it to Gatlinburg, and I was exhausted. We did not have time to go to the hotel to rest prior to the conference beginning.

Our first speaker was Candace Cameron Buree. Can you say adorable? Candace is new to the speaking world. She does not have a seasoned, polished testimony in her repertoire. Instead, she comes to you from a real perspective. What really touched my heart the most about "her story" is that she tried in with all her might to tell her husband all the amazing things that she had learned about God. He was turned off by all of it. After being told by Val to stop talking about it, Candace could only turn to God. Through several years of prayer and waiting, God changed Val's heart. Val and Candace were to baptized on the same day. The pastor baptized Val first, and then told him that as the spiritual head of his family he needed to baptize his wife. How great is our God? Precious!

Debbie and I missed hearing Lisa Harper speak on Saturday morning. Ladies, it is just wrong to have a weekend off and a speaker begin at 8:30! We did make it for Chonda Pierce at 10:30. And isn't she always worth it? Her story gets better every year!

Saturday afternoon we spent walking around Gatlinburg. TOURIST TRAP! For the life of me, I cannot figure out what the HUGE draw is for people! I did pick up some sweet little t-shirts for the girls, but other than that...not a lot of things of value.

OK Saturday night was by far my favorite time with God that weekend. Michael W Smith performed. This is my first time seeing Smitty. To say he was amazing would be an understatement, but I don't really remember a lot about him. It was time I spent before God. BTW Smitty is working on a new Christmas album. We had a taste of it and it was amazing! I cannot wait for it!

Let me just add this little tidbit in here. Debbie and I had been waiting for this weekend to play games. She was sure that she would beat me, but I knew there was no way. Anyway, let's just say I smoked her! I think she was still sore from her beating the next morning.

Angela Thomas closed out the conference on Sunday morning. If you have never heard her before, you should! She is an ordinary woman with an extraordinary heart. I would like to hear her again.

OK so we left Gatlinburg and stopped in Pigeon Forge. Had to pick up a few things for the girls. And then we headed home. As we neared the interstate, we decided to stop at the Bass Pro Shop. Now, internets, I know that I have lead a sheltered life. This was my first time in one of these little stores. Let's just say I.HAD.A.BLAST. I played on the four wheelers, took my picture with all the animals, and oh'd and ah'd myself silly! I apologized to all the animals that they had to loose their life for me to have my picture taken with them. After this experience I am thinking that I need a four wheeler. A camo one to be exact. There was just something quite sassy about me sitting there on it with my hot pink capri pants on. Looking good!

The moral of the story is that it was a fabulous weekend. My prayer is that God will keep alive the fire that burned so brightly in my soul this weekend. I am even more thankful for the gift of friendship. Debbie and I have been friends for years, but each day is a little sweeter because of the gift of friendship God has blessed us with.

Times of refreshing...let's do it again!

Sweet Peace

2007-03-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

Tonight as I sit here and ponder all that has happened today, I am overwhelmed by the reality of God moving in the midst of so many areas of my life.

My day started with my girls climbing in bed with me. Last night I stayed up way too late. So this moring was nothing if not slow. We had just begun to stir when I received a text message from my friend Debbie asking me to call her at work. I knew immediately something was wrong. When I called her, I knew that she was crying. This is not good. Her sweet dog Thea has not been well, and I feared the worst. Turns out Thea was alive, but been mysteriously injured. The vets were stitching up Thea's neck. If the cut had been 1mm closer it would have severed her jugular. Thea is doing well tonight. God heard the prayers and sweetly answered the prayers that were offered for a sweet little dog, Thea, and her mommy.

Then I found out that Nikolai is doing better. Nick is a twelve year old boy with leukemia, and he has not been well for the last week. Today was nothing short of a miracle for Nick and his family.

And then I find out that sweet little Ashley may be released to go home to Texas this week! How great is our God! There are many obstacles to overcome this week, but God is moving to reunite this precious family soon.

But it did not stop there. Tomorrow is our day in court. It has not been looking good for our case, but today...today God showed up and evidence arrived today that can totally change our case. We are praying that it will be entered as evidence and that our case will be heard. From our vantage point we are seeing God place piece after piece in order for His glory to be revealed. I cannot wait.

Tonight I am relaxed and ready for tomorrow. This is not usual. I am usually the one who is afraid of what will happen, but not now. There is praise filling my heart that I cannot explain.

Let Your glory be revealed tomorrow!

Spring Delights

2007-03-13T13:58:00.000-04:00

What a delight to see the first signs of spring all around. It is my favorite time of the year! Everything is new and fresh. The birds seem almost as excited about the coming season as I do. My soul is invigorated with their songs of praise to their Creator.

God is alive and working in our midst. I have seen His hands in so many ways this past week. Yesterday He held our friend as her husband left his earthly wears and stepped into his heavenly wears. Today he touched another friend who is struggling with leukemia. Our friend was too sick to move. Today he is talking, laughing and enjoying more things. Oh, isn't He wonderful? Last week we saw God move in our lives. He has set a judge on the bench this week who is a Christian. His rulings are trustworthy and we are thankful that we have a man whom we can trust.

Great are the works of the Lord; they are pondered by all who delight in them. Glorious and majestic are his deeds, and his righteousness endures forever. He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and compassionate. Psalm 111:2-4

A Must Read!

2007-02-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

I have just finished reading a post by Kevin Wood the pastor at The Church at Trace Crossing in Tupelo, MS. His writing amazes me! This was moving. This was written for the first service in their new building.

Kevin had written another post in September as the church was just beginning that was so vivid. Take a moment a read this.

Food for thought

2007-02-23T09:04:00.000-05:00

Please stop by and read this blog by Melissa Moore. What an amazing perspective this offers! It will definitely make you think about where you have placed your values and what consequence this has for you and for those involved.

Simply Stated

2007-02-20T00:07:00.000-05:00

In January I purchased two little saucer type sleds for our family. After all, we have lived here for almost two years and have not had the "luxury" of sleds until now. Since the purchase of these little sleds, it has snowed several times, but never enough to be able to use said items. Until this weekend! Saturday night it snowed...not a lot, but enough to enjoy our new toys.

After breakfast, I bundled the children up and out we went. The girls were exuberant to finally be able to sled. The first hill we tried was a little steep. Hazel barely made it all the way to the top and Emilly and I well barely made any progress. When all seemed futile, I put Emilly on a sled and sent her down what little progress we had made. I slid down on my hands and knees backwards as I lost my footing.

So, we tried another hill. VIOLA! The sledding began. With my husband in place at the bottom of the hill to catch whomever came down, we commenced with the fun. (for if we were to keep going we would have propelled ourselves over the embankment) Let me tell you...those little saucers fly. The girls finally talked their dad into taking them down together. So, Thom layed down and the girls sat on his stomach. TOO FUNNY! They had a blast.

The snow did not last the day, but we had a great time while it lasted.

Today as we headed out to an appointment, Hazel asked what the white dusty stuff was on our car. I explained that it was salt that had been placed on the road to melt the snow and ice. She so sweetly asked, "Salt and pepper, Mommy?"

You Are Loved

2007-02-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

February 17, 1987, I do not remember where I was that day or what I was doing. Nor did I know that my son had been born on that day. At barely sixteen, what could you really expect? It would be more than a decade before we would actually meet.

Our first meeting happened in February 1998 at McDonald's. You were precious. Small for your age with the largest brown eyes, I was head over heals for you the moment I saw you. You didn't have much to say that night...our meeting was awkward. You probably felt that every movement you made was being scrutinized. I was afraid you would not like me...that somehow I would not measure up to what you wanted in a new mommy. After all, you loved the one you had had so deeply.

Things worked out. We all agreed it was worth our best shot. So, that is what we did. We were and are so proud to call you "ours". A priceless treasure from heaven. You have grown into a strong and handsome man. I love that when people see us together, they always think that you belong by birth. What they don't realize is that we have something better than that! We belong by choice. I would choose you again. Hope you would say the same!

For your birthday I want to tell you are loved beyond measure. I pray that you will allow God to have complete control over your life. He is faithful. Trust Him even when you have nothing within you to trust with.

Mike, I love you!

Praying for Ashley

2007-02-13T00:19:00.000-05:00

Tonight I found out that sweet little Ashley has cancer. My heart is overwhelmed with sadness. What a tough road this little one has traveled! And now the road seems even longer.

Trish, Ashley's mom, has been by her side through it all. Her faith in God is strong. Since I began reading Ashley's journal last year, I have come to love Trish and Ashley. They have become a part of my family each day. Each morning and evening I check in to see how they are doing. Sometimes I check through out the day.

Please join me and many people in the blogging community as we pray for Ashley, Trish and the rest of the family. If you have a moment, stop by and leave Trish a comment and let her know that you are praying for her.

Deja Vu

2007-02-09T13:21:00.000-05:00

Brianna Elijah Zane

Seven years ago next month, my world was shattered. DSS arrived at my house unannounced. They explained to me that the three foster children we had would be moved from our care on March 15.

I do not remember seeing it coming. If I did, I did not recognize it for what it was. My husband who was in the service had been transferred out of state. I had stayed in our home awaiting the final approval for all of our family to move to be with my husband. We had had one of these siblings for over three years and the other two siblings we had had over a year. These children were all going to be up for adoption soon. There was a no reconciliation plan for all of them. No parental visits had taken place in years. Nothing but the adoption to begin. Our worker had assured us it would be approved.

Our petition was denied. They decided to try for reunification with their biological family. The children would be moving to live with a foster family whom we knew and liked. I knew the children would be loved and cared for, but it was not ok. They were my children. We were suppose to be forever!

On March 15, we took the children to live with their new family. The kids did not understand at that moment that it was forever. They had known this family and come to love them. It was more like a visit for them.

Saying goodbye that night was devastating. I do not remember how we got home that night or what the next few days were like. Leaving that home and driving north felt like my heart was being pulled in two directions. My heart desired to be with my husband who had returned to our new home and the other to my children whom I had left forever.

These children are still in my heart. I will always consider Elijah, Brianna and Zane to be my children. My heart can see them no other way. Zane, whom we had for over three years, was one of the most amazing "through the fire" stories that can ever be told. Elijah had an honest heart. Brianna was the external sign of all the internal abuse that they had endured in their short lives. I love them all so much!

Zane was a sweet blessing from God. You see Zane was born on February 21, 1996. On February 20, 1996 I had lost my child. Zane reminded me that God closes one door and opens another. Zane was a sweet balm that soothed my wounded soul. I need Zane as much as he needed me.

So, as you can see, my heart is a little sensitive about the dates February 20, 21 and March 15. It is filled with joy on one hand and much sadness on the other.

On March 15, 2007, we will be back in court. This is the day that we will find out if our girls will be staying with us or going to live in Florida. I have tried not to acknowledge that the days are the same or that it could be deja vu. It is not a superstition but just a memory of something that forever changed my life.

It reminds me of the song by Casting Crowns, Praise You in This Storm.

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm

Today God, I will praise you in this storm. The waves are crashing all around me, but I will not be swallowed up. I will lift my hands in praise to the God who made the waves. Lift me up! Let me see your face...let me know that you have not forgotten my family. As Hazel says so often, "I NEED MY GOD!" I need my family and they need me! Please do not allow a judge to separate us. I will trust you to keep us safe. I love you, God! Bless and protect Elijah, Brianna and Zane as only you can. Heal their hearts, Lord. They have suffered so much. May their lives be a witness of the greatness of their God!

Goodness!

2007-02-06T11:00:00.000-05:00

OH.MY.GOODNESS! To be as beautiful as those around me!

Have I lost my mind?

2007-02-05T08:27:00.000-05:00

I love to start new projects! LOVE IT! So, it was nothing new when a while ago I decided to change the look of our cabinets. I wanted to stain them either a dark espresso or ebony. Well, after looking at our choices, my husband choose ebony. We purchased all the new toys it would take to make this little project work.

Now due to the fact that I have two little girls it has made progress on this project...well, let's just say a little slow. The whole stain thing did not work. After many attempts to make it work, we realized that we would have to completely strip all of the wood to succeed. NO.THANK.YOU! So, we decided to paint them instead. We decided on black.

Let me interrupt all of this by saying that I love it! It really sets things apart. We had a small concern about darkness and all, but it is really crisp looking.

Now we are far from being done, but I am even more excited about this than when I began. It takes a little age off of our 40+ year old cabinets.

While focusing so diligently on this project something in me decided it is time to potty train Emilly. So, I am refusing to buy diapers. What exactly am I thinking?

So, each time I pick up the sander, Emilly either needs to potty or stands beside me and wets her pants. Nice, isn't' it? The issue is that I cannot always hear her over the sander. I mean once you are holding a power tool in your hand something takes over. It is such an amazing rush of...of...well, power!

The moral of the story is do not try to huge projects at one time.(especially one involving personal body fluids that I am still responsible for) It makes both processes rather difficult. Why is it that I choose huge task in multiples? On the other hand won't it be great when both are done!

My lover is mine and I am his

2007-02-03T14:08:00.000-05:00

Check this out!

Welcome to Bloggityville

2007-02-02T16:29:00.000-05:00

If you have a moment stop by a welcome Debbie! She has resisted joining the blog world until today. Glad you could join us, Deb! I love you.

I love you

2007-01-25T22:10:00.000-05:00

Time seems to be ticking by so quickly this week. Maybe it is that time may be running out for us. I want to hold on a little tighter to each moment. At times, it is like sand slipping through my fingers.

Hazel, my beloved child, you are unspeakable joy. You love to serve your family in a way that can only be God's work. He is preparing you for something huge. You have humbled me with the depth of your happiness and sadness. At your lowest moments, you always tell me "I need my God!" What a profound statement for such a young child! You trust God with all the bad things you hide so deep inside. Do not lose that trust in Him. He is faithful. He is safe. He does not promise life without pain or trouble, but He promises that you will overcome this world.

At gymnastics I see in you untouched potential. Your love for each new skill is inspiring. Keep your focus and always have fun. (don't forget to point your toes! :-)

My baby, Emilly, you come across as shy and introverted. Yet, underneath it all is a funny little girl who loves to laugh. God has given you the gift of nurturing. I see it in the way you care for each baby or other children. So precious! You are growing so fast. I treasure each moment I have to hold you and cuddle with you. Time seems to be running out fast! Won't you let me hold you one more time?

Girls, these next few weeks seem so fragile. Let's hold on to each other and the gift of family that God has given us for a season. I cannot promise that we will be together forever, but I promise that you have left fingerprints all over my heart. I love you each but not the same. You are each special, and I treasure the differences that make each of you unique.

Pray for Ashley

2007-01-16T14:24:00.000-05:00

Ashely went into cardiac arrest last night. She was brought back, but she is not doing well. Please stop by and leave a comment to encourage her family. God bless Ashley. Our hearts cry out along with her family.

Not today, God! Let her stay for a while. So many dreams have been dreamt of her life, let them be Lord. So many hopes! Let her life be a living example of the power of God. The answered prayer. The miracle that cannot be explained other than a simple "It was You!" Her parents, brother and sister have given their all for this beautiful little girl. You require so much of them since the beginning. Your grace has been sufficient. Your mercies are new each morning. Oh, Father, let her stay.

Ashley's page www.ashleyadamsjournal.blogspot.com/

For Kelli with love

2007-01-16T09:57:00.000-05:00

Today is the day the loving officially begins for Kelli. If you do not know about her, please check out this :

Almighty provider, our great and mighty God, we ask that you would provide for Kelli the funds that she needs. You know the needs and desires of her heart. Love her in a way that is purely tangible and can only be a true God thing. She is so precious to all who come in contact with her. Guide her doctors. Thank you God for providing the money, a kidney and all the strength that is needed for her journey. You are ever so faithful, and I love you, Father.

Christmas Delirium

2006-12-28T08:26:00.000-05:00

Christmas is one of my most favorite times of year. I love the whole idea of Christmas, but the clutter of it I could do without. It is at times smothering.

Our Christmas was wonderful! Take away the fact that my husband had the worst case of the stomach flu I have seen in a while and that I had a touch of it on Christmas Day, it was a great day. Hazel and Emilly were a little overwhelmed with the quantity of presents that they received, but they are adjusting with great finesse.

My Mom and step dad came to our house for the holidays. What a blessing that was! I cannot imagine taking on Christmas morning with both girls and a husband who was too sick to care. The girls really enjoyed all the extra attention. It also fed my love for being surrounded by family on holidays. Yes, I do love the whole idea of Norman Rockwell.

Christmas for me was so much deeper than the gifts and ideas. This Christmas was a great reminder of all that is important to me. Between having two special little girls living with us this year and participating in the pageant, my focus has been much more Saviour oriented.

Too know that the precious little baby born in a stable in Bethlehem as a sacrifice for my sins, is incomprehensible on a certain level. Yes, I believe it with all of my heart, but to truly absorb the meaning of that takes a little longer. Love came down at Christmas, but Love was planned before the creation of this world. Knowing that man would fall, God knew that a Sacrifice would be required. I don't think there was a question or doubt that crossed His mind.

At times I wonder if I could have offered any of my children for the life of another who had not even been created. I really don't think I could. Why not just forget the idea of creating a world where mankind would ultimately turn their back on their God? And then to offer a Redeemer who would be despised, rejected, brutally beaten, and crucified for them. What infinite love God has for each of us. Amazing love!

My focus this season has been deepened and strengthened. It is my joy to love, worship and serve a God who loves me boundlessly. May Christmas live in our hearts each day of the years to come.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T06:47:00.000-05:00

Christmas day has finally arrived. I am anxiously awaiting the awakening of my girls. When they went to bed last night, they were unaware that today was "the day".

This is our first Christmas together, and I am not sure what to expect from them. Have they ever really had a Christmas? I have so many ideas of what their response may be...well, I hear them now. So Merry Christmas! See you soon!

Better Late

2006-12-18T23:24:00.000-05:00

Thought I should take a moment and give an update on how court went last week. The judge was the same one who ordered the home study be done on the maternal grandfather.

Basically things have all been continued until March 15. DSS was told that the paperwork must be sent out ASAP. (it was sent out the following day)

Where does this leave us? Well, at this moment, I am living like there is no chance of these children leaving us. I believe God is in control, and I am trusting Him.

There have been moments of panic lately. The day I found out that Florida had received the paperwork was on of those days. Questions fly through my mind at warp speeds. What if Florida does not consider the recommendations of two therapist and the GAL? What if the truth is not revealed in their "investigation" of this man? And on and on the list could go.

But what it all comes down to is that no matter what Florida finds or does not find. It does not change the fact that He is God. He has a plan for Hazel and Emilly. He is the deciding factor.

So, this brings me back to what I learned in Believing God by Beth Moore.

1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He will do.
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's word is alive and active in me.

I'M BELIEVING GOD!

A Gentle Reminder

2006-12-10T14:29:00.000-05:00

This morning at church, Stephen Johnson spoke. He is to be our new associate pastor. He is a young, gifted, Bible-believing man. This was the second time I have heard him speak, and both times I have felt that his message was meant for me. The first time he spoke, he taught from the book of John. John is my favorite.

Today Steve spoke about Mary being told that she would be with child before her marriage to Joseph. In true humbleness Mary said, "I am the Lord's servant, May it be to me as you have said." She showed no concern for her own well being or desire. She allowed God's will to come over her as if it were a covering for all that might go wrong when others heard the news that she was with child. In those days, women who were found to be with child could face being stoned to death or sent away from their home. Mary did not question God's will or her safety, but simply submitted herself to God's will knowing that God would provide a way.

This spoke volumes to my heart. Tomorrow we are facing another court date. For anyone who has been following our story, you know that we are waiting to see if Hazel and Emilly will be sent to live with their maternal grandfather. Our case will be back in front of the same judge who opened the door to possibly allow the girls to be taken. DSS is hoping for a continuance tomorrow, but I can say that I am waiting to see what God is going to do. Whether our deliverance comes through a judge in whom I have no faith or whether it comes later in a judge of good repute. God can work through anyone. He does not need ideal circumstances to work through. So, I am patiently waiting to see how and when He will be revealed.
Holy God, today I want to praise you for what you are and will do in our lives. Reveal your plan for our lives as you see fit. I trust that You love us and that You will keep us safe. I give you my all. May it be to us as You see fit. I love you, Father!

What's On Your Tummy? (Not Male Reading Material)

2006-12-08T16:06:00.000-05:00

A two year old's fascination with chest is beyond my realm of understanding. Why are they always needing to touch them? Talk about them? And poke or squeeze them? I just don't understand!

But even I must admit when my two year old make the funniest of comments about them. So, here it is in the words of Emilly, my precocious little two year old.

I am standing in front of my closet trying to find a cooler shirt to wear. When up walks Emilly who immediately pointed to my chest...
"What's that?" Emilly asked
"Mine" I stated
"That your chest, Mommy?"
"Yes"
"What's that?"as she pointed again.
I turned and pointed at her chest and said "What's that?" She grabbed her chest and looked down. Then as sweetly as can be replied, "My chest laying on my tummy like yours mommy?"

Well, I decided to leave it at that. What more could I have said?

My Cup Runneth Over

2006-11-27T13:02:00.000-05:00

Our Christmas Pageant began yesterday, and God was in the midst. Several decisions were made for Christ last night. In those moments of the invitation, all of the hours of practice and sacrifice were all worth it.

Hazel and Emilly are both part of the pageant. Emilly is a sheep, and Hazel is an angel. I know all parents must feel this way, yet, somehow I feel that I am unique. My heart is completely overwhelmed when I see them on stage singing or not singing to Jesus. When they come out in their Christmas dresses for their last song, it is all I can do not to run to them and wrap my arms around them. They are beyond precious! And somehow God saw fit to place them in my life as my daughters. It is in His grace that I am somehow found deserving to have them for this season. He is so good to me! Even as I write this, I cannot stop the tears. They mean so much to me. I love them beyond words.

Thomas is also in the pageant. He looks so handsome when he opens the pageant with a little introduction, and then he snaps his finger and says "let the music begin". At that moment the stage becomes a winter wonderland with people in Victorian attire. Magical!

Later when Thomas comes back out, I tend to be offended by his character. Oh, I know that as a Roman soldier he is not suppose to be nice, but it is heart rending during the crucifixion. Then he tells Mary, the mother of Jesus to leave, and my heart is broken for her. I know it is a play, but somehow it comes to life with all the emotions. I cannot say that in that moment at the cross I want to run to him, but he plays his role with passion. He is truly believable in this role.

The lady who plays Mary at the cross is amazing. Her name is Nancy, and what can I say...she plays the part amazingly! She truly does weep at the foot of the cross. And it makes that moment priceless. I am honored to work with her. When Jesus is taken off the cross and prepared for burial, she bends down and touches his face. That is one of the most beautiful scenes. The love of a mother. Tender. Loving. Heartbreaking.

God has blessed my life abundantly this year. I cannot wait to spend a little more time reflecting on this after the pageant is over.

Continued

2006-11-24T11:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I began giving thanks to those who have meant so much to me this year. And now I will continue.

Dad, you are a blessing in my life. Your legacy is that of faith. You have challenged me to choose right in the hardest of situations and encouraged me when I have failed. Through all the ups and downs of life you have loved me. Dad, on this Thanksgiving, I want to thank you for leading the way to Jesus and a love that is always there. Dad, I love you dearly.

Mom, I have understood more this year what it means to have a daughter. You have walked with me through some of the most unbearable things that life has thrown my way. At times you have not agreed with my choices, but I have always known that you loved me. There is something about the mother/daughter relationship. As I have seen the girls struggle with their situation, I am reminded of how you never wavered in your devotion to me in my struggles. Now I see that it was harder on you in some ways as a spectator than on me as the one going through it. Thank you, Mom, for your consistency in your faith in me that I would be ok. I love you.

Mike, my brother, you are a hero. You put yourself on the line each time you go to work. You protect families and individuals. There is nothing small about what you do. I pray that you will stand in the midst of God's plan for your life and remain firm in His will. I love you.

Faye, last night at dinner Hazel asked if you were my mom. I told her that you were one of the moms that God has blessed me with. I am thankful to have you in my life. You have given my dad and our family joy, hope, love and macaroni salad that is to die for. I am eternally grateful for you. Thank you for a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. The food was amazing and the fellowship was wonderful. I love you, Faye.

Bubba, you live life without worry. I have often wished that I could be more like that. You have loved all of my children as if they were your own. Thank you. With children like mine, it takes a lot of family to raise them and keep them safe. I love you.

Jenny, my sister-in-love, I don't know where to begin. Well, maybe I do. From the moment I met you, I have always thought you were so beautiful. We have come from two different worlds that somehow don't always mix. Yet, you always found the perfect way to reach out to connect with me. You have walked with me through seemingly impossible to deal with situations. I will always remember the first time you met Z. He had been hospitalized while you and Mike were down visiting. You came up to his room and brought him a toy. Even though you didn't know him, you sat on the floor and played with him for the longest time. At that moment, my heart was completely overwhelmed with love and gratitude for you. No, it wasn't the gift. It was the kindness of your heart. Lately, things have not been as you would have planned. My prayers and my love are with you all at this time. Trust God. Give Him your all. I love you.

Michael, could it really be that you are almost twelve? You would have thought it was me who was pregnant when I found out that your mom was pregnant with you. Your birth added a new dimension to our family. I would even say that you were born with a smile on your face. Michael, you bring a lot of joy to those around you. Even when you were younger, you were always telling jokes. You have the amazing gift of making people laugh. Never lose that. You made me so proud this summer while we were all in GA. You took Hazel with you wherever you went. She never had a moment to feel different when you were around. Thank you for being so kind to her. I love you, Michael.

Laura, my niece, you are so precious to me. From the moment you were born, we have known that there is something so special about you. Maybe it was the jet black hair with a mind of its own that first told us that. You are a girly girl who can play sports with the best of them. I am so thankful to have you as my niece. You add a uniqueness that is all your own. I love you, Laura.

Ms Sara, you have become like a grandmother to me. You are so kind to all of us. When we are at your home, it feels like we have "come home" to a place we have always known. You have loved my family like your own, and I am eternally grateful for that. Thank you for your warm heart and hospitality. We love you.

Thank you God for my special friend, Debbie. Over the past twelve years, we have been through some of the hardest circumstances that a person can ever face. But God in His loving kindness brought to each of a person we could call friend to walk beside us. You challenge me to walk closer to God in the best and worst of times. Through it all you have loved me and prayed for me. Lately our time together as been limited to quick dinners, but I treasure each moment that we have together. Thank you for being a place to go with my plethora of words and a safe place to fall. I love you, my friend.

A Lifetime of Thanks

2006-11-23T11:15:00.000-05:00

It is Thanksgiving Day, and we are simply taking it easy this morning. We will not leave for my dad's house for a few more hours. So, I thought I would take a moment to try and put into words all that my heart is feeling today.

My first thanks must always be to my God. You brought me out the pit and set my feet on a Rock. Even when things have gone totally crazy this year, I may have been shaken but my Rock is my firm foundation.

As we have rehearsed so many times these past few weeks for the pageant, I am so moved at the sacrifice of your Son, Jesus. It was for me that He was sent. He thought of me by name as He hung on the cross dying. Jesus was separated from You, His Father, to be a sacrifice for my sin. Jesus was willing to do this for me. Yes, I know that He died for all mankind, but I think it is more personal than that. You see as individually not as a mass of people.

Many times I fail to say "thank you" to my husband. Thom, you are amazing. You have walked with me through seemingly impossible times. Times when I have wanted to give up on everyone and thing. You have remained strong. When our child, Morgan, passed away, I wanted to give up, but you remained strong that God would be our Provider. Eighteen other children have come into our lives. God has truly provided. When Mike decided that he needed more independence, you stood with me. We loved, prayed and hoped for him. We still do.

Since retiring a year and a half ago, we have seen God provide us with a new house and community. While the community still seems a bit peculiar, our home has become a refuge. This is where we belong at this time.

Thank you God for my son, Mike. I love him so much. He is on my mind daily. Please keep him safe. Bring him back to You and to us. We know that You brought Mike into our lives for a reason. Let him know that we truly love him.

God brought two miracles into my life this year. One is named Hazel.

Hazel, you are a beautiful four year old bundle of energy with long sandy blond hair and soft blue eyes. At first, it was hard to see the who you really were. The rage that filled your heart and mind was terrifying to me. The screaming made it hard to get close to you. So, God in His wisdom allowed you to become seriously ill in February. You were hospitalized with RSV and pneumonia. Your SPO2 level was 85%. Sleeping with you in an oxygen tent as you struggled for each breath allowed our hearts to be bound together. At times, I do not know where my heart ends and yours begins. We have bonded in a way that I cannot explain.

The second miracle was Emilly.

In January, at seventeen months of age, you were quiet withdrawn with eyes that had little to no life. Hazel was your everything. She had raised you since birth, and you needed her like the air you breathed. Ten months later, you are still shy around "new" people, but for those of us "old" people you are quiet the performer. Silliness comes easily and naturally for you. Cute does not begin to describe you. Since turning two, you have become much more independent. Your favorite words are "No", "I do it myself", and "I don't want to!" Amazing! For a child who would not complain about anything, you have matured immensely in these past few months.

Hazel and Emilly, I am so thankful for the joy and laughter you have brought to our home these past months. The ride has been bumpy at times, but we have done our best to maintain a smile on our face. I know that God is in our situation. He will not fail us. This next year could possibly be one of the hardest that we have ever had to face, but we serve a God who is alive and active. He is not quietly sitting on the sidelines of life watching what is happening to us. God is in control. Nothing surprises God. Let us trust Him in it all, and we will watch the amazing things that He will do. A year from now, I am believing that we will be celebrating together how God has delivered us from this situation.

This is only the beginning. I have many more things to be thankful for, but right now I must go get ready to leave for our celebration with my family.

The Human Side of Things

2006-11-16T09:14:00.000-05:00

Our lives are wrapped around practicing for the 9th Annual Christmas Pageant at our local church. The stage is set, the costumes are almost ready, the cast is present, but the lines and words are slow to come. Well, slow may not be the word. Maybe more like there but not in the right order.

Last nights practice seemed more like the lines you would here on America's Funniest Videos or TV's bloopers and practical jokes. For example:

The original line was "Welcome to the 9th Annual Christmas Pageant..." but it came out "Welcome to the 9th Annual Christmas Parade..."

Words of songs tumbled over each other, tongues were twisted and some even tied. It was absolutely hilarious. I am so thankful for laughter. It could have been really intense, but instead we laughed at ourselves and tried our best to move on. Somethings were done over many times, but it was not done without gales of laughter.

The pageant begins a week from this Sunday. I cannot guarantee that I will know all of the songs, but I can say it will be fun to see how it all comes out.

With a cast of over 50 people who knows what will happen next!

Blessings

2006-11-09T16:33:00.000-05:00

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ , and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:16-19

Autumn Leaves

2006-10-30T21:20:00.000-05:00

Fall is here! I know it has been here for a while, but today was just one of those days that makes me appreciate the season. On the way home this evening, the smell of autumn leaves and logs burning in fireplaces filled my senses.

The weather today has been beautiful. It was in the mid 60's, and the sun was shining. The strong winds of the last few days had calmed. This is what I think of when I think of fall.

As I have sat here tonight savoring this beautiful day, I cannot help but reflect on what the Bible says about the smell of things.

II Corinthians 2:15
For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.

Our life is an offering to our precious heavenly Father. We decide each day what we will smell like. Will we offer up our time for His plan or will we hold on to all of those things that we consider a must? Will we offer ourselves, spouses, children, and other relationships to God to use as He sees best, or will we do what we see is in their best interest?

Denying myself and my plans causes a great struggle within me. On one hand I could give you many great explanations for why I am this way, but, ultimately, it comes down to a rebelious spirit. It is easier to control than surrender.

What an amazing gift that we can offer to God! That others would be drawn to Him because of the sweet smell of our life, our offering, to Him. When God inhales the aroma of you, His child, is He pleased with the aroma? Or does He find that we have an odor?

Do those we come in contact each day find the aroma of our lives a savory delight or a pungent stench that repulses? Do we draw others to Christ or send them scurrying in the opposite direction?

Lord, let my life's offering draw others to you. When you inhale, Father, be glorified. When you exhale, let me inhale the sweet peace of your presence. I love you, Lord!

My Purpose

2006-10-30T13:46:00.000-05:00

My purpose is to point others to the saving grace of Jesus Christ. In all things giving Him the praise, honor and glory. Claiming Him as my hope and my shield.

In fulfilling my purpose toward my family I should pour out the best of me at all times. "Things" always try to rob me of my best. Whether it be appointments, deadlines, or other peoples needs, I need to remember that these precious people, my family, need and deserve the best of me each day.

My purpose in my church is to encourage women in their walk with the Lord. God has called me to work in women's ministry. This is the purpose that I am struggling with the most right now. I am intimidated by others and do not feel qualified or capable of leading them. Their are so many others who would do a much better job at it. But in my heart I know that God did not call me to fit in the mental mold that man or woman has made. There is not a perfect person here on earth. God called me, and I must choose to be faithful regardless of the image I have set before myself as "ideal."

So often, God, I find myself falling away from the purpose you have called me to do. Please forgive me. Fill my spirit with a boldness that I cannot shy away from my calling. Thank you, Father.

The Road Less Traveled

2006-10-23T15:29:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, my friend, Debbie, and I set out to encounter the splendor of fall. We drove for almost five hours on the Blue Ridge Parkway. The company was amazing, and the leaves were beautiful.

One of the first thoughts that came to my mind as we drove was that I needed to write about the road less traveled. So, with this thought in mind, I set out to find the perfect picture of "the road less traveled" . It is not completely unused nor is it a dead end. When traveling along this road, you must be careful. There are many bumps and some large pot holes. The scenery is awe-inspiring and the encounters can take your breath away. It is a path that not many can sympathize with nor can they say that they have had that kind of joy and triumph.

I have experienced great joy and tremendous sorrow on this road. My husband and I have parented 19 children on this road. (No, not all at once) I have loved much and seen the fingerprints of God all over our lives! Sometimes it has only been after an intense and trying time that I can see the work of God in our lives, but I know that He is there. I know that He is in control. He is loving all of us through our hurts and celebrating with us in our great victories.

At this time the road seems unknown and even frightful. The beauty is all around, but there are huge unknowns around the next bend. We finally heard the ruling from the judge yesterday. The judge has ordered that DSS begin termination on all parental rights. Amazing! What sweet grace those words were to my heart! He also ordered that a homestudy be done on the maternal grandfather of the girls. My heart stopped at those words. Why would he order that?

So, now is when I must remind myself that God is in control. With all of the unknowns looming around the next bend, I need to remind myself that He is still God. While the worst may be yet to come...He has a plan for each of our lives. Before we were formed in our mother's womb, God had a plan.

At times like this so many sweet hymns and even a few newer songs seem to play continuously in my mind. Songs of trust, surrender, mercy, faith and grace remind me that my Redeemer lives. He has not forgotten or overlooked me or my family. This is not an accident or a surprise. So, I will keep my eyes on my Lord. My Anchor holds!

A Sweeter Place

2006-09-26T13:41:00.000-04:00

On Sunday night our church had an ice cream social before the evening service. What a wonderful time it was to just be at church with all the people you love and who love you! (and eat more ice cream than you really should) At the same time we also presented a lady in our church with a weekend trip to Pigeon Forge, TN. (the trip included spending money for her and her husband) You see this friend is pregnant. But this pregnancy has not gone as she would have planned it. Her child has some physical abnormalities. With the birth of any child life changes for the parents, but having a child with special needs the changes multiply. We wanted them to have some quality time before they were inundated with all of the doctors, appointments and needs of this child.

Last night I received a phone call from another friend. Our friend had been to the doctor and a heartbeat could not be found. They had taken her to the hospital to induce her labor. Her dream of this child had slipped away.

As of 1:00 this afternoon she had not made much progress in her labor. The doctor does not want to give her pitocin. On one hand I understand not wanting to put her through the agonizing contractions that pitocin brings, but on the other hand, the waiting is agonizing. My heart is breaking. I want to do something tangible for her. But I have nothing but love and prayers to offer. I cannot go see her. My husband is away today, and taking two small children would not bring her comfort.

Heaven is now a little sweeter. God is holding this precious little one, and He is holding my little one. What a longing I feel to be in that place where sickness, death and pain are not allowed to enter! To be with the ones I love who have gone before me or from whom I am separated from. To not have to endure the horrible pain and sadness that this earth holds. To be free for eternity and united with God and our loved ones. Oh, praise God! May His coming be soon!

Honesty

2006-09-24T13:53:00.000-04:00

Emilly is such a funny girl! She says the funniest things at just the right moment. Such a wonderful characteristic for such a wee one. Yesterday, she had one of those moments that about made my face split open as I tried not to show that I was laughing. The expression on my face must have been one of sheer torture with all my facial muscles contracting to try to contain the laughter.

First I should set the scene. Emilly and Hazel were with me at school. Thom, my husband, had a JROTC competition. I was asked to help serve all the kids lunch. So, we spent most of the morning and afternoon at the high school. At one point, Hazel and Emilly were right outside the concession stand, where we were serving, coloring and writing. I came out to comment on how well they were behaving and this is the conversation that we had.

Susan: Thank you girls for behaving so nicely!

Hazel: You welcome!

Emilly: I all done.

Susan: You're all done with what, sweetie?

Emilly: I all done behavin'

Emilly then proceeded to walk over to Hazel and poke her with her pencil.

I found this to be extremely hilarious! (not the actual poking) That is honesty! She knew that she had had enough of being good and was kind enough to let me know that she was done. Of course, she had a consequence, but it was most difficult to do with a straight face.

Paternity Test

2006-09-21T23:25:00.000-04:00

Last night after I arrived home from church, I had a message from our social worker. She asked that I call her at home.(yes, I panicked!) Turns out the paternity test results came back, and R is Hazel's biological father. The SW is unsure of whether visits will start this month or if we can hold off on them until after the judge hears this case next month. They are ready to introduce R to Hazel even if Hazel is not at a place where she is ready to be introduced.

Today I as I have tried to begin to process this week, I realize that my relationship with God is about to go deeper. Honestly this scares me! Going deeper with God usually involves a lot of pain. The outcome is a good thing, but the process is hard.

The key verse in my devotion this morning is I Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

And the verdict is...

2006-09-18T23:25:00.000-04:00

well, I don't know. Court was continued until next month. The attorney's for the girl's mother, grandfather and Hazel's father were not present. There was also a question as to whether the motion for a homestudy to be done on the grandfather had been rejected by the judge in July or not. So, we will wait until October to be heard.

What do I think of it all? Well, honestly, I have had a spirit of praise all day. There is a reason that this judge did not hear this case. The reason is God. God obviously did not want this case to be heard today, and I will praise Him. This was not the judge who was likely to rule in our favor. Next month may be the right time and place for this to be heard. God has asked us to wait.

My purpose this next month is to love Hazel and Emilly, teach them more about God, and rest in the promise that God is who He says He is. I do not have to worry about anything. Trusting God is all I need to do.

Thank you, Father, for the answer you gave today. I will wait for you to reveal your plan for us.

The Waiting

2006-09-09T21:57:00.000-04:00

The paternity test is done. The waiting has begun. They say it will take four to six weeks, but it could be as soon as two weeks.

It would be easier if I could say that there was something obviously wrong with this man or his mother. That is other than the fact that he has not tried to have contact with Hazel or paid child support in over 3 years. Yes, they did know where she was for at least two of those years. But they were very kind and respected every boundary that I placed on the meeting. They did not try to touch her or directly interact with her. They just sat and watched.

At the time, my husband, Thomas, and I were more concerned with Hazel feeling comfortable and safe. Thomas sat on the floor and played trains with Hazel in the waiting room, and I spent time with our new acquaintances.

When we were called back for the test, Thomas waited in the waiting room with Emilly, and I went back with Hazel and R. R was kind enough to step up his part of the paternity test. This gave Hazel time to see what was going on.

Back in the waiting room, we sat around and talked a little while longer, and then Hazel became afraid that we were going to leave her. She began crying so we left immediately.

Now, a few days later, I think back and wonder what it was like for R and his mother, D, to sit and watch Hazel. Did R long to hold her? Did he regret all of the years he has missed out on? Was he angry at what this child has been through? Did he wish he could turn time back and do things differently? What was he thinking? Were his feelings hurt when Hazel kept asking for "my daddy" (Thomas not R) while we were waiting for the test? She does love Thomas. Some times I think she has forgotten her other daddies.

The hardest part of waiting is trying to live normally. Do I continue to fix her room up the way she wants or do I wait? Do I buy winter clothes? Winter in the mountains of NC is a lot different than winter in FL. When she asks me if I will keep her forever, what should I say? Do we plan on Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family of four or will there only be three?

Today we have lived together as a family of four. I do not know how long it will remain that way, but I am thankful for today. I pray for a thousand tomorrows together. God is amazing and loves to show up in the midst of our darkest times and let His light shine.

All to Jesus

2006-09-06T07:52:00.000-04:00

...I surrender. ALL to Him I freely give.

Today I will take Hazel to meet her biological father and her paternal grandmother. They are trying to get joint custody of her. So, today is the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. Today is the paternity test. DSS is hoping to have the paternity test back by court on Sept 18.

My feeling have vacillated from one end of the spectrum to the other. We love Hazel as our own. In July the judge ordered the plan to be adoption. We were asked if we would be willing to adopt Hazel and Emilly. Of course, our answers was a hearty yes.

Now we are faced with a very real possibility that Hazel and Emilly will be separated, and Hazel sent to live in Florida.

But honestly, today and even last night God has given me a peace I cannot explain. I know He holds her future and will guard her. We have prayed continually that He would place a hedge of protection around her. I believe He will. His grace is sufficient. And when my faith waivers I will ask God to help me my unbelief.

And Emilly...

2006-09-01T09:45:00.000-04:00

Emilly, you are an amazingly funny two year old. I never would have thought that the introverted and scared child that arrived at our home eight months ago would have turned into who you are today. What is it that you are today? Well, I thought I would make a list of the top ten things I like about you.

10. Those cheeks! You have these sweet cheeks that can glow like a light bulb with the slightest bit of heat or when you cry. Everyone comments on the baby with the round cheeks.

9. Mine! Since you turned two in July, you have perfected the word "mine". You have an amazing vocabulary for a two year old, but the word "mine" tops the list most days. It makes my heart swell when you say "my mommy" or "my daddy".

8. Your laugh! We did not hear your true laugh for a while. At first, you laughed a silly artificial laugh when Hazel did something silly, but then one day we heard the real Emilly laugh. It was so sweet. The laugh of a baby. Last week that sweet laugh changed to that of a child. It now resembles a donkey. But you do it so well. Your laughter is truly contagious.

7. That you are two. Some days that might not be my most favorite thing, but I love that two has turned you a little more confident. Hazel is not able to force you do as much anymore. You tell her "no" often, and you are not always willing to be at her beckon call.

6. This might sound like a contradiction to number 7, but you are a wonderful follower. So often everyone wants to be the leader, but you are willing to be a follower without complaint. It is a gift to be a good follower. I pray that you will use that willingness to follow in your future relationship with Jesus. He is an awesome leader who never fails!

5. You look totally opposite of what I thought my child would look like. This is a gift from God. He definitely has a sense of humor, and He has used it often when I try to dictate what things will be. I thought for sure my next child would have dark hair and eyes like myself. You are God's design with your blond hair and blue/gray eyes.

4. At this moment, I am your favorite parent. Selfish? Yes, I admit to being a little selfish of your attention. I love that in a roomful of your favorite people I am usually your first choice when you wish to be held.

3. YOU ARE A GIRLY GIRL! I have no clue how God put us together on that one. You shake in fear at the sight of bugs, amphibians and reptiles. (even the fake ones) You would rather play with your babies and blankets. Funny since, I am the proud owner of two of the sweetest frogs on the earth.

2. You do the funniest voices and facial expressions! It is hard to believe that a little girl like yourself can have that big deep voice you do. It makes people laugh in hysteria when you do it.

1. Is simply because you are you. You do not try to be Hazel or anyone else. You live life as yourself. That is an admirable quality for such a young person. Never give that up!

Emilly, this list could go on forever, but these are a few of the things I like most about you. You are such a joy to be around. I love you, boo.

Forever Changed

2006-08-29T09:51:00.000-04:00

Our eight month anniversary is almost here. It seems like a lifetime and then it seems all so new. Already I can say, I am forever by changed by loving you.

Hazel you have the most stunning blue eyes, and a happiness that glows in the worst of times. You love people and they love you. If laughter is the best medicine, we are more healthy because of you.

When you arrived in January you brought with you a truckload of raw emotion. Anything and everything could send you into a screaming rage. I felt unable to help you deal with everything. How could a four year old child have so much hurt inside them?

But God is good! He has brought us to a much better place together. The anger and rage that lived at the surface of you has been slowly chipped away. There is more love and trust in its place. Oh, there is still a long way to go, but look how far He has brought us!

Now we are faced with a new challenge. Your biological father has surfaced. You have never really known him in your four years of life, but now he wants to take you to live with him. In the next few weeks, you will meet him. At first you won't know him as your father but just as another person in this world. After his paternity is confirmed, you will be introduced formally. This thought devastates me. You are ours!

We may not be related by blood, but we are family. I have loved you as my own, and in my heart you hold a place that only a true daughter can hold. Your dad feels the same way. No, not the one who's paternity is being tested, but the man who has held you the past eight months as close as any biological dad should.

I do not know what these next few months will hold, but I know who holds them. He is faithful even in the worst of times. Daily I will seek to trust Him a little more with these feelings of fear. Losing you is a reality I do not wish to face, but should my God bring it to be then I know He will hold our hands. Your family here will love you for an eternity, dear one.